Day 30- Who are you?

Day 30- Who are you?

 

 "If I make the lashes dark And the eyes more bright And the lips more scarlet, Or ask if all be right From mirror after mirror, No vanity's displayed: I'm looking for the face I had Before the world was made."

I am an empty person. I used to be so happy. Something along the way fucked me up pretty bad. I am a horribly cynical person, I hate most people and most people hate me. I like being alone in my room. I don't know why. I just know that in my room nothing matters.

I miss who I used to be. I used to be so happy. Due to my brain's pathetic approach to biochemistry (the neurons in my brain responsible for releasing serotonin are pretty lazy and usually forget to do their job) I have always had this problem. But now I am just plain more cynical then I used to be. 

I have a terrible addiction to coffee and cigarettes and this is not me bragging, it is a disgusting habit, both of them. I have a problem with getting addicted and obsessed by things, and people. That is my problem with friends. I meet perfect stranger, in a week they are my best friend, a month we are inseparable, a year later we don't even talk to each other. This is how it works.

I get drawn in by their charm, their outlook on life, the smiles on their faces.. It intices me. I want to have a smile like the one on their faces. But soon enough the mystery and amazement ends, and their true colours show. You realize this isn't the life you want. Over time you pull yourself away from this person, drift yourself away. You are in an empty abyss, realizing you have nothing and you just want to be happy. 

You see a new smile, you get a new obsession. A constant cycle. Can you forgive me for it? Can you help me improve?

I can't find anyone else who can accept my everchanging nature. I become obsessed with people who over time I realize are as ever changing as myself. I don't care about drugs, but I am still tempted by the idea even though I know what they all feel like. I take them, with people I barely know. I smile, but on the inside I never truly am. Im not a pathetic person, just an empty one.

I don't really care what people think. Everybody does care a little obviously, but I try so hard not to. People can say what ever they want. I am spending the rest of this term with one goal in mind. Be who you were last year. You will all see. 

To those who read my blog, and actually got down this far. I love you and wish me luck.

ps: I FINISHED THE 30 DAY CHALLENGE, FUCK YEAH!

xx Stella